friendship Heather Stillufsen

Heather Stillufsen

Forgiveness is an emotion that many of us struggle with. Yet, letting go of grudges can be one of the most liberating acts we can perform. It’s not just about making peace with others; it’s about setting ourselves free from burdens that weigh down our mental health. By forgiving those who’ve wronged us, we pave the way to personal peace and emotional relief.

Forgiveness is an emotion that most us of aspire to, but sometimes it’s hard to do. It’s perhaps easier to forgive someone for something they have done to you, than to forgive people who have hurt those you love, or perhaps the hardest person to forgive sometimes is yourself.

We all mess up in life. But hanging onto past grudges will likely only harm you (others move on). Someone once said that not forgiving someone is like ‘drinking poison and expecting the other person to die’.

Forgiving someone for past hurts, does not mean that you have to see that person again, or become best buddies. But ultimately the main reason to forgive is so that you don’t spend your life going over and over things they did (or you did wrong).

If they don’t care, they’re narcissists (so won’t give a jot how hurt you are). And if they do care and feel guilty, that’s good enough reason to forgive them, even if you never pass their way again. If you think that you could never forgive someone, it may help to read of those who chose to forgive in exceptional circumstances:

Alison Botha was a South African woman in the 90s. She was dragged off the road and raped by two men, who disembowelled her, stabbed her several times, slit her throat and left her to die. Saved by a passing veterinary student, she spent some time in trauma. But then forgave so she could move on. She started a peace foundation, fell in love and now has beautiful children.

In an incredible twist of fate, recently Alison suffered a near-fatal brain tumour, and is still fighting yet another battle, learning to walk again. She has amazed people with her humour and tenacity, this is a woman we should all aspire to be like!

Eva Mozes Kor was from a Polish family. She and her twin sister were ripped from their family (who went to the gas chambers). They became two of the children used in infamous experiments by sadistic doctors, which left her sister disabled (she died early). After emigrating to the US and marrying, she spent years feeling bitter. Then when asked to lay a wreath in memory of Jews who died in concentration camps, she agreed.

But only if a former SS soldier could join her. He did – and said he had nightmares of guilt ever since. Many people were understandably angry at her for forgiving the Nazis. But Eva said just before her death that ‘Hitler did what he did due to hate. And I don’t want the world to have another Hitler’.

Today, I decided to forgive you. Not because you apologised. Or because you acknowledged the pain that you caused me. But because my soul deserves peace. Najwa Zebian

Understanding Forgiveness

Forgiveness often gets misunderstood. It’s not as simple as saying “I forgive you”. Instead, it involves a complex process of emotional release that clears a pathway for personal healing.

At its core, forgiveness is the act of letting go of resentment and anger. It means relinquishing the desire for retribution. It’s not always about forgetting or excusing the offence; instead, it’s about finding peace in one’s own life. By unchaining ourselves from these emotions, we choose to prioritise our well-being.

Many believe that forgiving is a sign of weakness or implies reconciling with the offender. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning harmful behaviour or downplaying one’s hurt. It’s an internal process that stands independent of the offender’s actions. It’s about strength in choosing to focus on healing rather than dwelling on grievances.

The Emotional Benefits of Forgiveness

Heather Stillufsen

Heather Stillufsen

Harbouring resentment can be mentally exhausting. Studies show that forgiveness can reduce stress levels and lower anxiety. When we forgive, we’re no longer investing emotional energy into negative feelings. This reduction in mental strain allows for improved focus and a more positive outlook.

Research links forgiveness to enhanced mental health, showing lower rates of depression among those who practise it. By forgiving, we release ourselves from the emotional toll of bitterness. This can lead to improved mood, increased mental clarity, and overall psychological well-being.

Practical Steps to Forgive Everyone

Self-reflection is crucial when aiming to forgive. Consider your feelings and seek to understand the motivations of those who’ve wronged you. Empathy can be a powerful tool, allowing us to see situations from perspectives beyond our own. It fosters understanding and can make the burden of resentment easier to release.

Sometimes, forgiving requires a little help. Discussing your journey with a therapist or support group can provide valuable insights. These conversations offer guidance, helping you see forgiveness as an attainable goal rather than an overwhelming task.

Prayer can aid significantly in the forgiveness process. By staying present and aware, you can better manage feelings that arise when contemplating forgiveness. Prayer empowers you to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively, creating a sense of inner tranquility.

The Long-Term Impact of Forgiveness

Forgiveness can fortify bonds. When we forgive, we enable stronger, more authentic connections with others. This openness leads to more fulfilling interactions and a deeper sense of trust. It allows relationships to evolve positively, free from old grievances.

Embracing forgiveness fuels personal growth. It cultivates emotional resilience, equipping us to handle adversities with grace. By forgiving, we learn to transcend the limits of our past, stepping into a more empowered version of ourselves.

The Forgiveness Project

The Forgiveness Project is a website set up by an Italian journalist, which interviews those who have chosen to forgive. This is big stuff: mothers who have forgiven those who have murdered their sons, adults who have forgiven parents for years of abuse and sons who have forgiven terrorist fathers.

Recently, the founder interviewed two fathers (one from Palestine and one from Israel) who both had their young daughters murdered by the other side (an Israeli soldier and two Palestinian suicide bombers). But both now work for peace organisations, to try to prevent the vicious circle of violence continuing. Organisations can download free forgiveness tools online.

Did Jesus Teach We Should All Forgive?

Christ High Priest Blair Piras

Blair Piras

Yes, He even forgave the people who crucified him on the cross. He would often teach people to forgive through simple parables (the lost sheep and the prodigal son). We all know what he said ‘Father, forgive them for they know not what they do’. In fact, the whole notion of the Christian faith is to forgive others, because Christ died on the cross, so that our sins would be forgiven.

Books to Help You Forgive (inc. yourself)

reading Heather Stillufsen

Heather Stillufsen

Forgive: Why Should I And How Can I? is by pastor Timothy Keller, who grapples with the thorn question of why we should forgive those who hurt us. It’s the heart of the Gospel, as carrying around resentment and judgement has huge cost to us.

The Ignatian Guide to Forgiveness offers a 10-step process by one of the Catholic orders. True forgiveness is complicated due to the pain of betrayal, loss, deception and personal attack, as we cling tightly to emotions and memories.

We may intend to forgive yet become stuck in others’ silence or anger, or skewed stories we believe. Honour your anger while deepening compassion, make friends with time and create new stories. Includes steps to take, and a powerful healing prayer.

Rebuilt Faith is a beautifully written book for Catholics who are considering walking away from their faith, because they carry guilt of something in the past, and don’t feel worthy of God’s love). Or been hurt by someone in the Church, so struggle with its teachings.

These five simple steps can be done in 10 minutes a day over 40 days, during morning coffee. Each one includes a quote from a saint, a reflection. questions to ponder, a prayer and a Scripture verse.

When People Abuse the Concept of Forgiveness

not so sorry

Not So Sorry is an interesting book, for modern times when we are told that we must always forgive people for anything they have done.

Of course it’s probably right in most circumstances. But what about terrorists who kill children, animal abusers who torture or certain religions (say the hierarchy of the Catholic Church that simply moved priests around to abuse more children, and cover things up?) A bit like ‘think positive all the time’, the truth is not so simple.

In this book, the author looks at how forgiveness can sometimes do ‘more harm than good’ when it places the onus on victims.

Someone who has suffered terribly and then is made to feel bad (rather than angry) at the injustice served, can sometimes even prevent justice from being done. We have recently had in the news a former BBC presenter who was given a suspended sentence for downloading images of children, sent to him by a convicted paedophile.

Of course anyone with compassion would feel for any adult who suffered childhood traumas. And we do have to have some kind of prison reform to help rehabilitate people.

But when excuses are often given by lawyers of troubled childhoods or even disappointment at not getting into a particular university, is this then putting the blame on a university admissions department, rather than the perpetrator of a crime?

Lots of adults have suffered horrendous childhood abuse and other traumas, yet go on to use those experiences to help children, not harm or traumatise them.

Kaya does not shy away from the big questions of forgiveness, such as the abuse scandals in the Catholic Church, and the far-right having issues with ethnic minorities forgiving those who have killed their brothers and sisters (referencing a white supremist who gunned down 9 black people in a Bible Study in Charleston in 2015).

The question she poses in this book is basically: sometimes, is it better not to forgive?

The final chapter is interesting. We are always told to ‘forgive ourselves’ for mistakes or wrongdoings. But this author argues that actually in some cases, forgiving yourself for things you find unable to forgive yourself for, actually can lead to mess your head up (and in some cases say of abusers, lead to more abuse).

That’s because it’s ‘stuffing feelings’ rather than acknowledging them. If you have say been a terrorist, you likely shouldn’t forgive yourself. Instead, ask God for forgiveness and spend the rest of your life doing good, to make up for things?

What about Donald Trump? He says polar bears are not endangered because ‘there’s lots of ice’. So he’s going to start drilling again. So if he sends this beautiful and critically endangered species extinct, should we just send him love and forgive him? Or not?

Just over 2000 years ago, a 33-year old man was executed by an invading empire, and while he waited for death to take him, he asked his father to forgive the people who killed him, because they did not understand what they were doing.

Because he told us that his father was God, for thousands of years since, people have felt pressured to speedily forgive anyone who has done them wrong. Trauma, however can last years or even lifetimes. God may forgive easily, but this is less true for many of us.

We know from trauma theory that expecting victims to repeatedly revisit the scenes of their abuse means they are being re-traumatised each time that happens, often for the sake of their abusers who would like to move on. I have been abused and asked to forgive. And I have not always been able to grant forgiveness. I am also tired of hearing that this makes me or anyone else a bad person. (especially) as I have remained in the Catholic Church, despite its abuses of power and failure to make amends.

Kaya Oakes is a journalist, who teaches writing at UC Berkeley (USA) and speaks on topics related to religion. She lives in Oakland, California.

Kaya challenges those slippery, PR-constructed apologies that leave us rolling our eyes. But she does more than that. She listens to the voices of victims, and leads us on a path to restore justice. Rev. Carol Howard

A thoughtful meditation on one of Jesus’ most challenging commandments: that we forgive those who have wronged us. Michael J O’Loughlin

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