Self-sabotage is the term giving to when people block the good that comes into their lives, often due to not feeling good enough. These are the people who refuse good kind relationships, job offers that would suit them, offers of help from those who wish to reach out etc. Often nice good kind people live their entire lives suffering, due to not accepting help, or subconsciously ruining everything that’s handed to them on a plate, then wonder why later. Such people often look back and can’t believe the dumb decisions they have made: saying no to the ‘one that got away’ or losing a home or money due to a dumb decision of trusting someone etc. Or succumbing to addictions for years, when later they found they were quite easy to give up. Self-sabotage has many faces.
There are many theories on why people self-sabotage. Some say it’s the simple psychology of being born or raised a ‘people pleaser’. People who are afraid of not seeming ‘nice’ may say yes to things they don’t really want to (get in a bad relationship or business partnership, buy a place or business they don’t want to, go along with dodgy friends to avoid having the awkward situation of getting out of such situations). You could even call responding to TV ads to buy new cars etc as self-sabotage, listening to what marketeers tell them to do, rather than listening to their own inner voice. So it stands to reason that simplifying your life and learning to listen to your own intuition, is a pretty good way to begin the journey away from self-sabotage.
Other people believe it stems from childhood. Some people believe that nearly all our lives are run by our subconscious minds, and most of those decisions stem from everything that happened to us age around 8 or before. Hypnotherapist Sarah Dresser (who offers wonderful free and paid hypnotherapy sessions on her site to release limiting beliefs) says that once we get to the grand old age of 8, around 95% of our ‘library or beliefs’ is set to a ‘read-only state’ and unless you actively work on reprogramming your subconscious mind (through tools like hypnosis), your brain will ‘operate to the book of beliefs’ from your early years.
This does not mean just children who were abused, it means nearly everyone! If you were bullied at school or were a sensitive child and a teacher called you stupid and you would never come to nothing, it’s likely you will spend the rest of your life actively ‘becoming nothing’ as that’s what inside you believe – that you’re not worthy. A bit like Dorothy and her red shoe in The Wizard of Oz‘, a few hypnotherapy sessions can literally unleash the gates of the empowered and talented and successful being that you really are. One woman reviewer who listened to one of Sarah’s free videos on releasing repressed emotions said that in days, she had gained more traction in turning her life around than years of therapy. Hypnosis is not about making people eat onions, thinking they are apples. It’s a very good way of reprogramming your beliefs in an active waking state, though of course you should only do this in a safe place at rest.
Another theory is ancestral trauma. Some religions have touted this for years, saying that we sometimes carry the ‘sins’ of our ancestors, and find ourselves living the same self-sabotaging beliefs of those before us. So if you had a parent or grandparent who went through similar circumstances, often you may feel you are living a ‘Greek tragedy’ where the same happens to you. The Hawaiian art of forgiveness is based on this premise. Others says it’s karma, others that it’s their DNA carrying into you.
Vedic astrologers say our lives are pretty much like a DVD, with nearly everything predestined; ‘press play, and you have little choice’. People who visit Vedic astrologers are not trying to change their destiny, rather know when the speed bumps are coming, so they know when to slow down. One astrologer even said our lives are so predestined that if today you visit the lake or sea and a blue boat goes past you at 14.02pm, that was always destined to happen.
Some people feel powerless to learn this. But others feel relief: that rather than blaming yourself for all the mistakes you made in life – perhaps all these things were going to happen anyway. So instead of buying books like The Secret and then getting angry when you can’t manifest what you want – releasing control to ‘let go and let God’ can feel good. And when you let go, often that is when the good stuff unexpectedly starts happen, as the energy changes up. Remember the scene in The African Queen, when Katherine Hepburn’s character gives up? She says a prayer to God saying ‘we have come to the end of our journey and will soon be with you’. They went to sleep, not knowing that that the rain was going to push their boat out of the grass and onto the ocean, to save them.
The Mountain Is You is a lovely little read on how not to self-sabotage by Brianna West, a wonderful writer. Like Sarah above, she believes that unblocking beliefs in the subconscious mind is key, and sometimes those blocks are major. You have to be bold! If you want to be loved and keep ‘sending love away’, you have to figure out why. Do you want to be alone? Or are you simply sending people packing, because you don’t want to get hurt? In that case, why? Because you are frightened of being alone? Why are you frightened of being alone? Discuss!
Lose the attachments and be bold enough to step off the edge of the cliff (not literally!) If you know anything of tarot cards, you’ll know of two major arcana cards. One is The Fool (this is in the words of one Irish reader ‘the banker who gives it all up to go backpacking around the world’ or words to that effect. Sometimes ‘finding yourself’ means giving up your old self. Many people get scared by the ‘Death card’. But in fact, it rarely predicts a physical death. It’s just another word for ‘change’. And some people are more scared of change, than death! Some readers use reversed cards, and ‘Death Reversed’ are two words for the more bold ‘big change!’ Not many people wish to admit they have spent most of their life on the wrong path. But if you don’t change direction now, you could spend another 30, 40 or 50 years headed in the wrong direction. So why not switch now?
One of the biggest reasons that people avoid doing important internal work is that they recognise if they heal themselves, their lives will change – sometimes drastically. You cannot avoid all pain. But you can absolutely avoid a lot of suffering by staying focused on your internal growth. Brianna West
Brianna also writes ‘the universe whispers until it screams’. This is similar to something that Aussie guru Andrew Matthews once wrote about change. If something is not working in your life, you get a gentle tap on the shoulder. Then if you don’t listen, someone hits you on the head. If you still don’t listen, the universe smashes your skull with a sledgehammer!
If you eat too much cholesterol, this goes from being overweight to getting out of breath to having a full-blown cardiac arrest. If you put up with a partner who controls and belittles you, this turns into cheating on you and then possible domestic violence. If you stay in a job you hate, you’ll then look around for other jobs you hate, rather than educating yourself to do what you want, finding a job you love that pays well, and turning your life around.
Darling, the world’s not really against you. The only thing that’s against you is yourself. The Midnight Station
