Forgiveness is an emotion that most us of aspire to, but sometimes it’s hard to do. It’s perhaps easier to forgive someone for something they have done to you, than to forgive people who have hurt those you love, or perhaps the hardest person to forgive sometimes is yourself. We all mess up in life. But hanging onto past grudges will likely only harm you (others move on). Someone once said that not forgiving someone is like ‘drinking poison and expecting the other person to die’.
Forgiving someone for past hurts, does not mean that you have to see that person again, or become best buddies. But ultimately the main reason to forgive is so that you don’t spend your life going over and over things they did (or you did wrong). If they don’t care, they’re narcissists (so won’t give a jot how hurt you are). And if they do care and feel guilty, that’s good enough reason to forgive them, even if you never pass their way again. If you think that you could never forgive someone, it may help to read of those who chose to forgive in exceptional circumstances:
Alison Botha was a South African woman in the 90s. She was dragged off the road and raped by two men, who disembowelled her, stabbed her several times, slit her throat and left her to die. Saved by a passing veterinary student, she spent some time in trauma. But then forgave so she could move on. She started a peace foundation, fell in love and now has beautiful children.
Eva Mozes Kor was from a Polish family. She and her twin sister were ripped from their family (who went to the gas chambers). They became two of the children used in infamous experiments by sadistic doctors, which left her sister disabled (she died early). After emigrating to the US and marrying, she spent years feeling bitter. Then when asked to lay a wreath in memory of Jews who died in concentration camps, she agreed. But only if a former SS soldier could join her. He did – and said he had nightmares of guilt ever since. Many people were understandably angry at her for forgiving the Nazis. But Eva said just before her death that ‘Hitler did what he did due to hate. And I don’t want the world to have another Hitler’.
Today, I decided to forgive you. Not because you apologised. Or because you acknowledged the pain that you caused me. But because my soul deserves peace. Najwa Zebian
books to help you forgive others (and yourself)
Forgive: Why Should I And How Can I? is by pastor Timothy Keller, who grapples with the thorn question of why we should forgive those who hurt us. It’s the heart of the Gospel, as carrying around resentment and judgement has huge cost to us.
The Ignatian Guide to Forgiveness offers a 10-step process by one of the Catholic orders. True forgiveness is complicated due to the pain of betrayal, loss, deception and personal attack, as we cling tightly to emotions and memories. We may intend to forgive yet become stuck in others’ silence or anger, or skewed stories we believe. In this book, Marina McCoy delves into the principles of Ignatian spirituality and uses gently honesty to lay out steps that honour anger (while deepen compassion), make friends with time and create new stories. Each chapter offers stories, real-life steps to take and a powerful prayer for healing.
the incredible work of The Forgiveness Project
The Forgiveness Project is a website set up by an Italian journalist, which interviews those who have chosen to forgive. This is big stuff: mothers who have forgiven those who have murdered their sons, adults who have forgiven parents for years of abuse and sons who have forgiven terrorist fathers.
Recently, the founder interviewed two fathers (one from Palestine and one from Israel) who both had their young daughters murdered by the other side (an Israeli soldier and two Palestinian suicide bombers). But both now work for peace organisations, to try to prevent the vicious circle of violence continuing. Organisations can download free forgiveness tools online.
did Jesus Christ teach we should all forgive?
Yes, He even forgave the people who crucified him on the cross. He would often teach people to forgive through simple parables (the lost sheep and the prodigal son). We all know what he said ‘Father, forgive them for they know not what they do’. In fact, the whole notion of the Christian faith is to forgive others, because Christ died on the cross, so that our sins would be forgiven.
an ancient Hawaiian practice of forgiveness
One popular method of forgiveness is based on an ancient Hawaiian practice called Ho’oponopono (it means ‘to make right again, right again’ in Hawaiian). First created on a small island to forgive others you would have to see regularly, modern Restorative Justice practices (when criminals and victims meet to discuss how incidents have impacted their lives) are based on these principles.
In a nutshell, you say ‘I’m sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you’ until you begin to feel forgiveness for others. Apparently Dr Hew Len (an expert in the practice) took over a prison for deranged criminals and they all got better within a few years, despite him never meeting them and just chanting the mantra over their prison notes.
This does sound wonderful, and anything that can be used for forgiveness and healing is to be cherished. We just have to be careful that unlike a simple prayer, we now have ‘forgiveness healing seminars’ that cost hundreds of pounds. You should not need to attend a seminar and break the bank, in order to try to forgive someone. When forgiveness is turned into a multi-million dollar business, something has gone seriously wrong.
a handbook for guilty Catholics
Rebuilt Faith is a beautifully written book for Catholics who are considering walking away from their faith, because they either carry guilt of something done in the past (and don’t feel worthy of God’s love). Or been hurt by someone in the Church, so struggle with some of its teachings.
The book has five simple steps to learn (or relearn) more about the Catholic faith and deepen a relationship with God. These steps can be done in just 10 minutes a day over 40 days during your morning coffee, at lunch or when relaxing in the evening. Each one includes a quotation from a saint, a reflection, questions to ponder, a prayer and a Scripture verse. The five steps build on different aspects of the Catholic faith and are meant to be repeated: Serve, give, engage, pray and sharing faith.
Fr. Michael White is a priest in Maryland (USA) who has degrees in sacred theology and ecclesiology from the Pontifical Gregorian University in Rome. Co-author Tom Corcoran studied theology at Franciscan University of Steubenville.
what about ‘false apologies?’
Not So Sorry is a book that looks at when sometimes, it may be best not to forgive completely, when it places the onus on victims and diminishes real hurt and anger, and sometimes prevents justice from being done. Covering examples like horrifying cases of abuse and tackling narcissistic abuse and more, sometimes the author asks ‘Is it ever better not to forgive??