Beyond Alton Towers: Reimagining England’s Theme Parks
So the fair’s come to town where you are? You may be thrilled, it’s time to try out the Waltzers, bump into people in dodgem cars, and turn upside down on the Wheel of Fortune. Or even go on a whizzy rollercoaster ride!
Years ago, amusement fairs were something different entirely. They usually had merry-go-rounds (where children ride ‘up and down on wooden horses), a slow-moving Ferris Wheel and swing boats.
In 1928, Billy Butlin imported the first dodgem car to England, at one of his holiday camps. Soon after that the Helter Skelter arrived to our shores. Even roller coasters hark back before 1900, when they first were opened in New York.
Issues with modern amusement parks
Today ‘theme parks’ have taken over, to scare people on thrilling rides, so they scream a lot and then buy lots of junk food and drink after, to prop up profits. Many have also had serious accidents in recent years (deaths, broken necks and amputations).
It kind of reminds you of the differences between then and now. 30 years ago, contestants on the game show Bullseye were all quiet and happy, and you would not know at the end, whether they had won the speed boat or not.
But today, even before they start answering questions, the average game show contestant starts screaming and whooping. Why?
It’s the same now. The traditional fun fair has been replaced by ‘rides and attractions’, all designed to scare people witless as they scream (and possibly bring up their lunch’) for a ‘grand day out’. Everything has to be ‘thrilling!’
Alton Towers is England’s busiest amusement park, with many nearby residents having served noise abatement orders, and complained about fireworks, which terrify pets and wildlife, and cause acid rain. There have been several accidents in recent years (two people had leg amputations).
The theme park was recently voted ‘the most overpriced tourist attraction in the world’. It has almost 50% negative reviews, including:
- Horrendous queue times
- Many rides shut for maintenance
- Limited dining options
- Bad refund policies
Staffordshire has bred many outlandish people! Robbie Williams’ parents ran a local pub, actor Neil Morrisey was born to Irish parents in Stoke, and Motorhead’s Lemmy hails from here.
Slash (guitarist with band Guns’n’Roses) spent his childhood here, before his family emigrated. He recalled that when touring in England, visiting relatives ‘downed every drop of cider in our dressing room. Our booze would have killed anyone but us!’
And to make things even worse, the council in Bedfordshire has just approved a third giant theme park (after Alton Towers and Thorpe Park) to be built in the rural county (where the Chilterns has already suffered decimation of its nature and wildlife, due to HS2 high-speed rail project).
This US company also plans to build a 500-room hotel and a ‘retail, dining and entertainment complex’. It sounds like some Trump-style horror movie, doesn’t it?
A recent article by the Ecologist shows that most voters now believe Sir Keir Starmer shows no more commitment to the planet, than the previous Conservative government:
Today we closed the deal on a multi-billion-pound investment that will see Bedford home to one of the biggest entertainment parks in Europe, firmly putting the county on the global stage’. Sir Keir Starmer (or would that be Boris Johnson?)
It’s likely that Bedfordshire would just like their local trees and wildlife back, and go back to quiet obscurity. ‘Local jobs’ come from supporting indie farm shops, organic farming and service/care employment.
The Prater is an example of how to do an amusement park. Akin to ones of yesterday, with big wheels and coconut shies, not fast food restaurants setting up at Alton Towers.
Founded in 1897, this is like going to an amusement park back in Victorian times, with a ferris wheel that was built for the World Fair. There’s even a ‘Venice in Vienna’ lagoon and a main artery into the park, lined with old trees.
