Why People-Pleasing Will Destroy Your Life
It’s always good to be kind. But you can do that, while avoiding so-called ‘people-pleasing’. This is something that many of us who are highly-sensitive and vulnerable do, which if you’re not careful, can end up destroying your life.
Especially if attracts narcissists, who take advantage of your good nature.
Setting boundaries is good advice, but not always easy if you’re naturally kind. Of course, always help when you can. But people-pleasers go too far, and end up always saying ‘yes’, when in many cases they should be saying ‘no’.
Most people-pleasers are empaths (who feel the emotions of others) and often have been brought up by well-meaning parents who taught them to always do their best for others (often in religious environments, or by older generations when everyone helped each other out).
So by saying ‘no’ to someone who is taking advantage of you, you end up feeling that you are bad and unkind. This alas then attracts people who are not kind, and decide to use you for their own ends.
And to be called ‘unkind’ by anyone who is a people-pleaser is upsetting. As we are kind, and also like to be thought of that way. Call us scatty and gullible, and we’re fine with it. But please never ‘nasty’.
After half an hour in the company of a narcissist, you may have agreed to some kind of plan, that has your life going in a completely different direction to where you want.
You end up drained and depressed, while the other person skips off into the distance, knowing they have found someone gullible. Sound familiar?
Always saying ‘yes’ may seem kind and helpful. But can end up draining your time and energy, and also breeds burnout, resentment and a ‘life that feels borrowed’.
If you often say yes and then feel resentful (most people-pleasers hate confrontation) or say sorry three times before you even sit down, you’re likely a people-pleaser. Another issue is that you often say nothing to fit in the crowd, and this leads you to live a life not akin to your values.
When you don’t stand up for what you believe in, you then feel guilty. And others take more advantage, as you don’t appear to stand for anything:
If you water down a cup of tea enough, eventually it will taste of nothing.
Ways to Set Boundaries Without Guilt
Those of us who are not good at setting boundaries, benefit from some kind firm scripts! Try these for a start:
- I appreciate the ask, but I can’t commit right now.
- That won’t work for me, here’s what I can offer instead.
- I don’t have capacity this week, thanks for understanding.
- I’m not the right person for this, please check with so-and-so.
- I can help for 20 minutes, then I need to get back to my life/work.
Practise in safe settings. Keep your tone calm. No long reasons. If pushed, repeat the line. Boundaries are clearest when simple and steady.
There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans, for people who wouldn’t jump puddles for you. The only people who get upset when you set boundaries, are those who benefitted from you having none. Lizzie Moult
You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you, if you realised how seldom they do. Eleanor Roosevelt
Ignore ‘Online Validation’ (be true to yourself)
We can’t escape the mass media and Internet these days, unless we lived the dream of owning a little house in a forest, and never seeing anyone!
But although the media and online world has its uses, one area where it comes unstuck, is to create a whole world of people, who now view their worth by what others say about them. This is why in most cases, it’s a really really good idea to just give up social media.
But unfortunately it appears the beast has been unleashed. It’s rare now to find a teenager who does not spend all his or her spare time scrolling social media, to learn what celebrities are up to. On a serious note, it is leading to self-harm, mental health issues and even bullying and suicide.
And it’s not just teenagers. Many adults do the same, spending more time gazing into their phones, than looking up at the people opposite them. And often not reading the news, but comparing their lives to others (houses on Pinterest, models on Instagram etc).
People have been killed by not looking behind them (say a cliff) to take selfies, others have attempted to take their lives if posting a photo where they have been called ugly. And websites and blogs are plagued by bots that ‘like’ endless posts from fake account. It’s all gone completely mad.
Online Validation is Draining
People who have given up social media, always report how much better they feel. No platform is good for your mental health. And in most cases, won’t help your business either. Just drop them all.
If you write something good and feel proud of it, all your hard work can be drained, if someone online then writes a nasty comment or view. It’s far better to just ignore the naysayers. Write or take photographs from your heart, and know that you’re doing good.
Actress Olivia Colman does not use any social media. Apparently there is someone who uses her name on one account. But rather than get upset about it and try to shut it down, she says because she avoids social media, she just doesn’t worry about it!
The Trap of Endless Comparison
Denmark and Finland are two of the world’s happiest nations. And it’s interesting that both have no celebrity culture. David Beckham or Brad Pitt could go on the tube in either country, and not be bothered by anyone. Could you imagine that happening in England?
In Scandinavia, there are no ‘influencers’ to tell you what to wear or how to shop. They don’t bore you, by telling you what they had for lunch. There are no endless comparisons with who is the most beautiful, slimmest or youngest. Finns and Danes are happy and confidence, who eat well, sleep well and live healthy outdoor lifestyles.
Wealth is good if it helps you build a better life. But nothing more. In Denmark apparently you can have a boat. But if you brag about your boat, it’s frowned on!
Italian film-maker Elena Rossini says that endless comparison is what is driving so many women (and men) to depression. Even beautiful Asian women are bleaching their skin, to try to look like Americans. She says that a 50-year old woman who is happy in her own skin is not ‘worth anything’ to the big beauty companies. As you can’t sell anything to her!
True Success Comes from Within
Wins in life come from living your truth, not from ‘likes’ from other people.
To free yourself, to be more authentic, to be less addicted, manipulated and paranoid. We cannot have a society, in which if two people communicate, the only way that can happen is if it’s financed by a third party. Jaron Lanier (from 10 reasons to delete your social media)
The developers of apps and games and social media sites are trapping us in repeated actions which feed our brain’s desire for reward. Every point you score, every candy you crush, every retweet you get – gives your brain a dopamine hit that keeps you coming back for more.
You’re not having a bit of harmless fun; you are an addict. A tech corporation has taken your solitude and monetised it. It’s not the game that is being played – it’s you. Paul Kingsnorth
