Don’t Carry It Alone: Where to Find Help for Depression

It is okay to not be okay

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Suicide is now a major form of death in England. Around 11.1 deaths per 100,000 people, with 75% of those being men (who often find it much harder to talk about their problems to others, than women). It’s now the leading cause of death for young people under 35. The leading risk group is men from 50 to 54. It’s extremely worrying.

Suicide is usually not down to ‘one reason’, but more a combination (sometimes with genetic backgrounds) but often simply when finally someone’s coping mechanisms break down. Some people very wrongly assume that people who commit suicide are not brave. In fact, those of us who have been ‘near that point’ are very brave, and it’s usually down to a number of serious events, and struggling on to cope in the face of adverse circumstances.

If somone does eventually decide to end their life, it’s usually after a heroic battle to stay alive. Those who have survived suicide attempts have been asked ‘Did you want to die?’ And most reply that they didn’t, it was more a case of ‘having had enough of the struggle to live’.

So that means that with proper support, a huge number of suicides can be prevented. But with an increasingly nasty world (much of which is lived online), we need to get back to community support to help those at risk.

Suicide is almost never about money, but it is striking that the rate of suicide is far higher in the north east, and lowest in London. Could this be due to lower support for housing, health care etc? It’s food for thought. Some say cold weather could be a factor, but then many of us prefer the winter to summer, so that doesn’t sit right.

Stop beating yourself up about things from the past. Instead of slapping your forehead and asking ‘What was I thinking?’, breathe and ask the kinder question ‘What was I learning?’ Sometimes you have to die a little inside, in order to be reborn. Karen Salmansohn 

You’ve seen my descent. Now watch my rising. Rumi

Smiling depression is a term used to describe someone living with depression on the inside. While appearing perfectly happy or content on the outside. We never know what people are going through. Vex King 

Common reasons for severe depression

Genetic tendencies. This happens but is quite rare. If you have (or had) depressed parents (and grew up in a home where people were depressed), this is a risk factor. But not something you can’t break free from.

Bereavement. Read where to find help for grieving for people and companion animals.

Side effects of medication. Get a medication review, to make sure you are not taking drugs that make you depressed. A couple of decades ago, there was a huge furore over teenagers who had been ‘medicated for shyness?’ with a drug that led many to commit suicide.

Bullying. This is a big one these days, especially when children can’t escape from bullies in an online world. Read how to prevent bullying (in schools and workplaces).

Relationship break-ups. This is a big one (as is the modern practice of ‘ghosting’ when people leave a relationship or friendship without any reason and refuse to communicate, which can mess with people’s mental health). Play yourself some heartbroken country music songs, have a bottle of wine – then go and find someone who treats you better!

Money/home issues. These are serious, as they can lead to debt, gambling problems and even homelessness. Read our post on how to get out of debt. Sometimes you have to ‘think big’ by downsizing to a smaller and simple way of living, if your outgoings are way above what you can afford to ‘keep up with a former plan’.

The ‘me me me society’. This is something that is making many people depressed these days. We have governments that are taking us back to horrible times in history, wildfires and climate change and wars, all of which harm people and animals. It can make people very ‘what’s the point?’ in a world full of Trumps.

Turn off the news and subscribe to a happy newspaper, to know that most people in the world are good. And there really is hope. We are already seeing it, in that the ‘bad guys’ seem to be losing popularity worldwide. Don’t give up!

healing through wonder

Healing through Wonder is the author’s profound journey through trauma, and coming out the other side. Homeless, running from a violent partner and battling suicidal depression, Val found herself sitting by a river, holding a bottle of pills in one hand, and a bottle of red wine to wash them down, in the other.

Then out of the twilight sky, a majestic blue heron circled, and landed just a few feet away. Something in the bird’s piercing eyes caused her to stop swallowing the pills. In that moment, she realised there was too much beauty in the world to give up.

Thus began a quest, to understand how wonderous encounters, can spark healing from trauma and grief. This inspiring guide shares healing stories sparked by wondrous experiences, and also unpacks the neuroscience that explains how wonder helps our brains and bodies heal.

What not to say to suicidal people

Let’s start with things never to say to people who feel suicidal. These are dumb phrases that often come out of the mouths of well-meaning people, and are to be strictly avoided:

Just snap out of it. You can’t just do that with an aerobic routine or a long walk, if you’ve got really bad depression. It can help some people, but just assuming that this will ‘cure it’, shows you have no idea what real depression is.

I know how you feel. No you don’t. You have no idea what is going on in someone’s head. For a start, that person may be more sensitive than you, and find it harder to cope with the same problems. Plus, it’s very likely that he or she has not shared their life history with you. So you don’t know the ‘combination of problems’ that has got their head to where it is today.

Other people are worse off. This is a terrible thing to say to someone who is depressed. Because it adds guilt to depression. A seriously depressed person is quite aware that he/she could volunteer to take their mind off problems, they don’t need you to tell them.

Read your Bible. Another awful thing to say. Some people are not Christian (or any religion). And again for them it may not be the comfort that it is to you. What if the said person has been abused by a priest years ago? Going to Church may well make them feel even worse.

How to help someone who is depressed

bear hug Rosiemadeathing

Rosie Made a Thing

  • Just be there, listen and don’t judge. Often people (especially men) who are depressed, don’t confide in anyone. And they won’t, if they feel they will be judged. Just by listening and being there is good. Make them something nice to eat, accompany them on a walk, or just take them to the pub for a beer and a friendly chat, so they ‘feel normal’.
  • Let them know they are not isolated. If someone wants to spend time alone, that’s fine. But make it clear that if they need to talk any time of the day or night, you are on the other end of the phone. Make that clear.
  • Offer resources to help. Below are some really useful resources. So if your friend or relative does not want to talk to you, he or she can find people to chat to anonymously, if that is more comfortable.

Tips to help yourself, if you have depression

  • Accept it. Don’t try to ‘fix things’ before acknowledging that you have depression.
  • Have a routine. Some people with serious depression find it difficult to get out of bed, brush their teeth or take a shower. But if you did those things, you are a hero! Just take baby steps. Buy health foods that are easy to prepare if you don’t feel like cooking. And try to have a gentle but consistent routine.
  • Spend time offline. Go to the library and buy a few novels for ‘escapism’, have a warm relaxing bath and potter around doing nothing. Know that if it takes some time, it takes some time. That’s fine. No rush.
  • Make good sleep a priority. If you have insomnia, waking up at 2am is likely the time when you feel worse. If you can’t sleep, just pop the light on and read a book, and just relax. Eventually you’ll have to sleep, even if it’s an afternoon nap the next day. Try to go to bed at the same time and wake up the same time each morning.
  • Try not to drink alcohol. Easier said than done if you have a bucket load of problems. But alcohol is a depressant. And although it may ‘wash your issues away for a while’, it can make you feel worse long-term, especially if you wake up in the middle of the night. Read our post on help for alcohol addiction.

Where to find help for depression

light on boy Rosiemadeathing

Rosie Made a Thing

You could start with your GP. But to be honest, funding now usually means you’ll get cognitive behaviour therapy (which is good for phobias, but not so good for serious depression – but if it’s free, you could try it).

Samaritans (you don’t have to be suicidal to call)

Samaritans (open 24 hours a day). All calls are free from landlines and pay-as-you-go mobiles. The number (116 123) does not appear on caller display, nor your phone bill.

There are also over 200 branches staffed by volunteers, and if not an emergency, you can write to them, for a reply within a week or so. All information is confidential, they would only contact someone say if you said who you were, about to step in front of a train.

The charity was founded in 1953 by vicar Chad Varah, who oversaw the funeral of a 14-year old girl. She had taken her life because she had started to menstruate (and due to lack of education, thought she had contracted a sexually-transmitted disease). He later said:

Little girl, I didn’t know you. But you have changed the rest of my life for good’.

SOS Silence of Suicide (a free confidential helpline)

Silence of suicide SOS

SOS Silence of Suicide is a confidential free helpline (0808 115 1505) open 8pm until midnight (or 4pm until midnight at weekends). Co-founded by a woman who experienced poor mental health/suicide loss and barrister Michael Mansfield KC (who lost a daughter to suicide).

Its free training course OPEN Conversations helps to educate and empower those who struggle, and courses for burnout and chronic pain are soon to be offered, along with nationwide mobile mental well-being hubs.

Shout (24/7 free confidential support by text)

Shout offers 24/7 free confidential text support (85258), for people who don’t like talking, or need support at night or in busy shared spaces. You receive four automated messages, then are connected to a trained volunteer for up to an hour, until in a ‘safe place’.

More helpful suicide helplines

  • Suicide Prevention Helpline again offers anonymous support (0800 587 0800). Volunteers help people talk and consider their next steps.
  • CALM offers a free helpline (0800 58 58 58) from 5pm to midnight, plus webchat.
  • I’m Okay is a suicide prevention app that sends up to 3 messages a day to check you’re okay. If within 15 minutes you don’t reply, it alerts one of your five emergency contacts.
  • PAPYRUS HOPELINEUK (for people under 35) offers a helpline from 9am to midnight, and weekends/bank holidays (2pm to midnight).
  • Togetherall is a digital mental health support service (anonymous) that’s free if your employer, university, college, NHS provider or local council partners with it. Plus it’s free to all veterans and former veterans, due to a partnership with the Ministry of Defence.

Specialist help for depression

Often depression is not due to ‘something wrong with your brain’, but due to specific circumstances. These helplines offer trained listeners:

The proud history of chaplaincy teams

Chaplaincy teams may be more known for helping ‘drunk young ladies’ get home after a night out, but these volunteers (from local churches) also often offer first aid. And skilled listeners to people who are feeling suicidal (often installing emergency phone boxes near train stations etc).

The best-known team is at Beachy Head Lighthouse (Sussex), where skilled listeners take shifts to help anyone considering ending it all, at the nearby cliffs (one of England’s most notorious suicide spots).

If it weren’t for the chaplaincy team at Beachy Head, my wife would now be a widow. Thank you for being there are my lowest.

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