Why People-Pleasing Will Destroy Your Life
It’s always good to be kind. But you can do that, while avoiding so-called ‘people-pleasing’. This is something that many of us who are highly-sensitive and vulnerable do, which if you’re not careful, can end up destroying your life.
Especially if attracts narcissists, who take advantage of your good nature.
Setting boundaries is good advice, but not always easy if you’re naturally kind. Of course, always help when you can. But people-pleasers go too far, and end up always saying ‘yes’, when in many cases they should be saying ‘no’.
Most people-pleasers are empaths (who feel the emotions of others) and often have been brought up by well-meaning parents who taught them to always do their best for others (often in religious environments, or by older generations when everyone helped each other out).
So by saying ‘no’ to someone who is taking advantage of you, you end up feeling that you are bad and unkind. This alas then attracts people who are not kind, and decide to use you for their own ends.
And to be called ‘unkind’ by anyone who is a people-pleaser is upsetting. As we are kind, and also like to be thought of that way. Call us scatty and gullible, and we’re fine with it. But please never ‘nasty’.
After half an hour in the company of a narcissist, you may have agreed to some kind of plan, that has your life going in a completely different direction to where you want.
You end up drained and depressed, while the other person skips off into the distance, knowing they have found someone gullible. Sound familiar?
Always saying ‘yes’ may seem kind and helpful. But can end up draining your time and energy, and also breeds burnout, resentment and a ‘life that feels borrowed’.
If you often say yes and then feel resentful (most people-pleasers hate confrontation) or say sorry three times before you even sit down, you’re likely a people-pleaser. Another issue is that you often say nothing to fit in the crowd, and this leads you to live a life not akin to your values.
When you don’t stand up for what you believe in, you then feel guilty. And others take more advantage, as you don’t appear to stand for anything:
If you water down a cup of tea enough, eventually it will taste of nothing.
Ways to Set Boundaries Without Guilt
Those of us who are not good at setting boundaries, benefit from some kind firm scripts! Try these for a start:
- I appreciate the ask, but I can’t commit right now.
- That won’t work for me, here’s what I can offer instead.
- I don’t have capacity this week, thanks for understanding.
- I’m not the right person for this, please check with so-and-so.
- I can help for 20 minutes, then I need to get back to my life/work.
Practise in safe settings. Keep your tone calm. No long reasons. If pushed, repeat the line. Boundaries are clearest when simple and steady.
There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans, for people who wouldn’t jump puddles for you. The only people who get upset when you set boundaries, are those who benefitted from you having none. Lizzie Moult
You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you, if you realised how seldom they do. Eleanor Roosevelt
