More Than Love: The Secrets of Couples Who Stay Together
England used to be such a romantic country! Remember the old black-and-white films (what about Brief Encounter, said by many to be the most romantic film of all time?) Yet this couple were not even together (they were married to different people, and he went off to South Africa with his family, so they did ‘the right thing’ by their spouses).
Today the romance has been replaced often by vulgarism, and all the worse for it. We need to get back to the days of making each other laugh, long conversations about the meaning of life into the night. Not setting people up to be ‘married at first sight’ (shouldn’t this TV show be illegal, making a mockery of marriage?)
So let’s put a little bit more proper romance back into England, and to your own life too. Even if you’re solo, it doesn’t matter. You can still ‘give yourself a date night’ with a good book or film, a homemade meal and a bunch of organic roses! Better than going out with some of the so-called ‘dates’ around these days – they’re not like the nice men and women in old black-and-white films, are they?
England’s longest-married couple
In 2022, the BBC reported on Ron and Joyce Bond, who had married in 1941, and celebrated their 81st wedding anniversary, as they also celebrated their 100th and 102nd birthdays.
Told ‘it would never last’, they married in the snow. Mr Bond said the secret to a good marriage was ‘neither being the boss’ and ‘sometimes life is hard, but we work through it together. We look after each other, too’.
They did not have glamorous lives (he worked at a Shell garage, she worked at Woolworths). But they remained happily remained, until they both passed away (not far off each other), a couple of years ago.
Of course, many people likely don’t marry as young as them (many people go into happy marriages in their 50s, 60s, 70s or 80s!) But all happy marriages are based on honesty, trust and helping each other. And you can’t get better than that!
An American couple married for 73 years
Barbara (Cutie) Cooper and her husband Harry were blissfully married for 73 years, until he died age 98. Barbara lived for another six years, also dying at 98. Again their life was no bed of roses. They lost a daughter to cancer and a son to a heart attack (six months later). Then they both became ill, and had to move into assisted living.
After her husbands’ death, Cutie (with encouragement from two granddaughters) became an online agony aunt, known for her no-nonsense advice. One man who asked about his girlfriend who stayed in touch with all his exes, led her to write ‘If there are boyfriends in the past that she is considering, then drop her. You deserve to be with someone who knows what they want!’
Never ambush your partner with an old grievance. Work your problems out when they’re fresh. Forgive and then move on with your lives. Cutie
When I saw you I fell in love. And you smiled, because you knew Arrigo Boito
My wife is the source of my happiness, and the anchor of my life. Anon
A happy husband is a man who knows he is deeply loved, respected and truly understood. Anon
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Happy romances are not about expensive gifts
Today a lot of so-called ‘romances’ are about buying huge diamond rings and gifts that cost hundreds of pounds. But if you look back to your parents and grandparents, you’ll likely find that they were far happier with far less.
Most of us have happy memories of cheap holidays to caravan parks or seaside resorts, eating knickerbocker glories or having our parents read the paper with a cup of tea. This was genuine happiness and contentment, not the consumerist binge that romance has been made out to be now.
People were (usually) faithful, and followed a nice set routine, often until either the husband or wife died. There was little drama, and honest communication over a pot of tea (no need for long drawn-out therapy sessions). There was trust and practical help (not very politically correct, but she usually cooked and he usually gardened, and mended things in the garage!)
Lasting love does not come from a bunch of flowers, it comes from showing you care. Joy and stability, knowing you’ll always be there, a ‘safe pair of arms’ to hold you when seas are stormy. And the expectation that you can be yourself, and don’t have to change.
If you don’t trust someone, don’t be with them. But if you trust them, then leave them be to have time alone. Nobody wants to be suffocated by someone who won’t let you have any time to yourself. We all hear about people in nightmare relationships where the other partner is checking someone’s phone or emails – how can anyone be in a happy marriage or relationship, when that happens?
Our mothers liked to go off to the tea rooms and chat with their friends. And our fathers like to do woodwork in the garage, or grow rhubarb.
It’s a natural and stress-free way of life. And the sooner we all returned to that kind of life, the better. Mondays to Fridays were for work, Saturdays perhaps were for going to the local independent cinema. And Sundays were for church, cooking dinner, watching a bit of TV and having family time.
Good relationships are not about being in competition with each other. It’s about friendship that bigs each other up, but is also happy to not be ambitious for each other.
Celebrity marriages don’t always end in divorce!
You would think they did, if you read the gossip magazines. But there are many famous couples who have remained happily married:
- Judi Dench and her husband Michael Williams were happily married for years until his death. Despite being different religions (she is a Quaker and he was a Roman Catholic).
- Gloria Estefan married her first and only boyfriend Emilio in 1978, and they’ve been together ever since!
- Tom Hanks and his wife Rita are known to have a solid happy marriage. Navigating through her breast cancer and a joint COVID battle, they say the secret is being best friends with open and honest communication.
- Paul Newman and his wife Joanne Woodward had one of the most successful marriages. Yet she says it was Paul’s personality rather than his classic good looks that won her over. They wed in 1958 and remained together until he died in 2008. Based on a stable rooted life of mutual respect and a shared sense of humour.
They even had a special ‘wedding letter’ read out at the ceremony:
Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens. It is never being too old to hold hands. It is never going to sleep angry. It is at no time taking the other for granted. It is standing together facing the world. It is having the capacity to forgive and forget. It is a common search for the good and the beautiful. It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal. It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.
One of the shortest celebrity marriages was for Nicholas Cage (4 days). Because they were both totally drunk, and did not know what they were doing!
The Regency Companion to Romance!
The Regency Guide to Romance is a beautiful little book, for anyone navigating the world of love and courtship. This charming and whimsical guide to modern dating, is inspired by Regency-era etiquette. A must for people who wished they lived in the times of Jane Austen.
If you’re looking to attract a suitor (without enduring the arduous task of swiping through dating apps), this pocket book can guide you.
Perhaps you have a broken heart that needs nursing, and don’t know what to do? Or maybe someone has suddenly appeared in your Direct Messages, and you are unsure how to proceed?
The Regency era is remembered as a time of refinement and culture, and this means it’s the perfect inspiration for dealing with modern dating, and knowing when not to proceed.
In those days, no woman would allow herself to fall for someone unsuitable, she would have just enjoyed life alone. Until the right suitor came along. Or stand out as the best-dressed at the costume ball!
There’s nothing like an elegant afternoon tea, to help you forget your romantic woes. This book has perfect tips for dealing with all kinds of romantic scenarios, along with quotes from Regency-era figures like Lord Byron. Proceed in romance with your Regency friends, and allow your heart to swoon on every page!
